We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
