I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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