i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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