i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
