I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
