Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My liver is preforming stress tests.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
