Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
