The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We just shotgunned beers for America
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
