Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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