Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
