Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
