I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
