i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
