Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
