your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
