if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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