i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
