do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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