pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
is it fun? or sober?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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