I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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