I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
