I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What a dumb baby whore.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
