And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
