ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
