Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
