she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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