Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize