You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
