after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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