She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
