how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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