sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
