Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I didn't notice because vodka
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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