My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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