Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
