i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
