in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I die, sorry about rent.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
