I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
