Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
