Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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