I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
