Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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