I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
