no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
