I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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