someone threw a dead crab at me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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