listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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