The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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