I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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