I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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