he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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