i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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