nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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