someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
