why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
