That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
