Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
