the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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