Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
tell me about the eggs
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
