Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
