she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
