Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
