thus making me awesome and them whores
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize