Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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