she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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