My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
